Awaken
An extract from a novel by Stephania Chuku
Noelle drops her cigarette behind her, throws her dark grey slouch bag over the gate and balances her battered black converse on the gate handle, as she attempts to break into the park.
She winces in pain as a broken part of the gate scrapes against her leg and uses one arm to hold her long dark brown hair back, in fear of catching it on the gate also. With the other hand holding her steady, she launches and lands with a thump on the damp grass and just missing what smells like dog excretion.
Noelle glances at her watch, 1:52am, she lies flat on her back and stares up at the blacked out sky, she couldn’t care less if there were any park rangers or drunkards lurking about, she just had to get away from that flat. She hears a buzzing sound, reaches over to grab her bag and pulls out her phone. Her heartbeat speeds up as she stares at the screen that reads: ‘Message from Jay’. She grips her phone tightly feeling the anger rapidly rise through her and flings the phone into a nearby bush. She pulls the bag over her shoulder, lights another cigarette and takes quick steps towards a large pond. She can picture everything from the night before so clearly and remembers shouting;
‘What the hell are you doing?’ at her boyfriend of four years.
Noelle hears rustling in a nearby bush and picks up her pace. She smokes furiously as she tries to get the previous night’s event out of her head.
She can make out two people’s names carved into a tree with a heart outlining it. She walks up to it and scorns, ‘John and Vivian?’, She takes out her pen knife and carves a big X over their names and writes ‘liars’ underneath. She shoves the knife back into her pocket, kicks off her converse and lets her socks soak through with water from the wet grass and walks on in the direction of a dark brown cabin.
Noelle feels her eyes begin to prick with water as she reminds herself about the falseness that surrounded the amazing day she had yesterday. She pulls her camera out of her bag and a painful lump develops as she thinks about the memories stored inside. As she begins to walk on, she spots a dim yellow glow in a cabin window. She stops in her tracks and suddenly grips her camera. She lifts her arm, takes a step back and launches the camera straight at the cabin window. The camera smacks onto the window with a loud thud and she can hear it shatter as it hits the ground. The cabin door swings open and she can barely make out the shape of a man glancing around. She ducks down behind a log and watches him look out into the blackness.
‘Clear off! Or I’ll call the police!’ she hears him shout as she creeps up from behind the log and ignoring the squelching sound her feet are making as they collide with her soaking socks, she watches him go back into the cabin and sees the ground floor lights come on.
Noelle continues to walk towards the pond; she felt a great sense of release as the camera smashed against the window. Her relationship with Jay has been shattered and she wants nothing more to do with him and wants nothing that reminds her of him.
As she reaches the edge of the pond, she unzips her bag, turns it upside down and lets the entire contents fall onto the grass. She bends down in the dark, lets her hand roam through the grass and picks up what feels like her watch. She wipes her eyes and thumbs the back of the watch feeling the quote ‘Forever’ engraved on it. She chucks it into the pond and it breaks the surface with a splash. She picks up the now soggy letter that used to live under her pillow and remembers when Jay handed her the love note; she teased him for being soppy. She tears the letter into pieces, the soft rain masking the tears on her cheeks and lets the paper float to the ground. She gently strokes her empty wedding finger, and then grips the index finger on her right hand and yanks off the promise ring with which Jay had surprised her. She can feel her gut full of anger and her heart fill with regret as the ring comes off. She uses all her force to throw the ring into the pond and is glad to hear it plonk into the pond and imagines it sinking.
After standing by the pond for a while shuddering with the cold and tears, Noelle feels as if something still holds her closely to Jay. She holds up her wrist and stares down at the ink that reads ‘N & J’. She pulls her pen knife out from her pocket, flicks opens the blade and places it directly on the writing on her wrist. With her eyes tightly shut, she forces the point of the blade firmly into her skin, piercing through the inked letters and feels her warm dark red blood trickle down her arm. The knife falls from her fingers to the ground and feeling her heart sink she walks slowly towards the pond. She pictures Nadia wearing her dressing gown and lying on the bed she shared with her soul mate looking smug. She pulls her jumper over her head and leaves it to get soaked on the ground, removes her now grass stained socks and takes a step forward. She wishes she could erase the last four years, she would have taken that place at university and actually see her friends. With blood still trickling down her wrist, she places her feet into the pond one at a time ignoring the icy cold sensation. She feels her toes slightly disappear into the mud and can feel the ripples of the frosty water dampening her jeans. The mud digs into her toes and seeps into her toenails as she kneels into the water, with her arms by her side and shivering, she takes a deep breath, leans forward and dips herself fully in to the water as if to wash away all the memories and pain from what is now her past.
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